Another thing I have prayed until it literally hurts, is that God might direct me to the specific people I should invest in, just as Christ did. Our Lord's example was to love all, yet to invest in only a few. I read recently that the human brain is capable only of maintaining about 250 relationships. I have more than that many contacts in my cell phone. (Sorry all you 1,500 'friends' on Facebook folks. It's just not possible). Yet, whether or not that pseudo-scientific source was reliable, the concept resonated for me. What didn't make sense (at first) was His answer to my prayer.
Over a period of several months, God chose to remove several key people from my life- men and women I love very much. They did not leave my life physically, as often happens in the transient gypsy life of the college student, I still see several of them on a weekly basis. They literally chose to stop pursuing me in any way. I'm talking of people I wanted to make sure were there on my wedding day. My anger at their apparent desertion really tore me apart. For months, I asked the Lord why this would happen. Then it hit me. The Lord does not often speak so simply to me. This was quite clear. He removed those people because I asked Him to. I asked Him to show me who the right people were and He has. I cannot invest deeply in every one of my friends, though I've tried (and failed miserably). Yet the people who have chosen to consistently respond to me are the ones He wants me to pursue. I pursue a fairly small group of people- some the women I've been friends with since day one of freshman year, my weird little group of older and younger "brothers," the men and women of my church, and my junior highers and fellow K-Life leaders. Those are the (primary) people to pursue (and actually the people I spend most of my time with anyway). This has transformed the way I see those who decided to peace out of my life. Again, the Lord faithfully reminded me that it is not in His nature to act on a random whim when it comes to my life. (It's almost as if He has a plan...)
Last week I lost my wallet. I won't bother with the details, but in short a lot of money and my license and cards were all (probably) stolen. I couldn't believe I'd been such a colossal idiot. I mean, who does that? Yet in my confusion and anger, He had another thought for me.That money wasn't mine. Nothing I own is mine. He gave it to me and chose to take it away. He could have restored those things to me. Maybe....insert expression of shock and awe....nothing I have is my own. Not my talent. Not my body. Not my money. Nor any of my resources. And certainly not my relationships. All things are His. Everything I posses and every ounce of what I am was created by Him and for His purposes. Does God ever teach you something you already 'knew'? (I feel like that little kid in school who just never 'gets it,' no matter how many ways it is explained to him. Obviously there is a difference between mental knowledge and the knowledge that transforms a life. Maybe I'll make the transition this time.)
I love Him for that. I am so irresponsible. Thank God we are not the managers of our own lives, nor the fate of the world! Surely we'd damn ourselves in minutes.
Now I come to the 'so what' part of musing. The goal: to hold the trappings of my life in open hands. Ready to say- "Okay, Lord. You want this relationship? Have it. Take it away at Your will. You want my money? Right away, Lord. My body? Break it." God's so backwards to my simplistic human logic. I love Him for that.
"And he said to all, "If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me. For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will save it." Luke 9:23-24
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